Are you there, or do I just look like a crazy person?!

Many people tend to "talk" to their loved ones when they pass.  But I'm not really sure if I'm doing it right.  Like, do I talk out loud to my dad? Or do I just keep my thoughts internal?  And if I just keep my thoughts internal, how the heck does he know I'm talking to him?!  And if I talk out loud to him, I feel like I just look like a crazy person.  I mean is he even there to hear what I'm saying?!

I know and respect that everyone has to deal with Grief in their own way, and everyone has their own beliefs (and their own right to believe what they want) so this is not a blog that in any way thinks one persons beliefs or religion is wrong - I'm just trying to find my own way and figure out what is right for me.

I want to believe that my Dad's passing had to have greater meaning.  I want to believe that he didn't just disappear out of my life.  I want to believe that he passed on so he could possibly do greater good for us and our family.  But I think that might be selfish.  Because I tend to thank my Dad when things go right, and ask him where the heck is is when everything is going so wrong.  But who did I have to blame or give credit to when he was alive? I have been angry with God, especially before my dad passed and while he was passing.  But the more I look back on it, maybe everything that is meant to be will just be, and there really is no higher power or "spirit" of my dad controlling any part of my life.  What I do believe that wherever he is, he is out of pain and I take solace in that every day. 

Now I know that ultimately I have control over my own life.  That it is up to me to make myself happy, or the reason why I'm sad, to succeed or fail, but for some reason it gives me more hope to feel like my Dad is there guiding me along giving me a little extra "power" (so to speak).  But maybe that is just wishful thinking?

Happiness is....

Of course happiness means something different to each of us.  While some are easily happy and carefree, some others (like myself) struggle to find happiness in the small minutia of life.  But I'm certainly trying

While I was sitting in the waiting room, well waiting while my mom was in surgery I started to feel sorry for myself.  As I always do, I refuse to leave the hospital as when my dad was sick I was called back for "emergency's" my dad was having.  While it may be healthier to leave, get fresh air, etc. I just can't.  So I sat there first thinking to myself giiirrrll you are really pushing it with the weight - you barely fit in these chairs. haha.  But then I started to feel really sad, how unfair to have not only one sick parent, but in many ways now two.  Please don't get me wrong though, my mom is not nearly as sick as my dad was - but she is struggling.  As I sat there I started to think about how unfair (yes I am aware I am using this word a lot - but I've got nothing else) it is to watch your parents suffer.  I think it is one of the hardest things to face in life, I'm sure only second to watching your children suffer.  Then I started to look at houses to buy online (and honestly we can't get ANY house), and looking at wedding stuff so its basically just really giving myself a real sadistic treat. In any event,  I was just fine serving myself a nice helping of feeling sorry for myself and family - and I was fine with that. 

BUT THEN, I noticed that the closing arguments for the Julie Schenekar trial were on - you know that bat shit crazy woman who brutally murdered her two teenage children in Tampa?!  Anyway, I've been captivated by her trial, but really began to listen to what they were saying....I was hearing stuff like "psychotic....shot her in the face...shot her in the head....all she wanted to do was kill herself...psychotic...it was time for her and her children to be with God."  After listening to this for only a few short minutes I began to realize - my life is like a dam dream compared to whatever the heck was happening in this family's life.  THOSE children clearly had it rough - a dad traveling with the military and mom who literally was crazy.  I don't have it rough and started to think of reasons of what happiness really is...this is what I came up with:

Happiness is......having two parents who were present and loved me greatly
Happiness is......having a fiance who truly loves me just the way I am
Happiness is......having a 5 year old soon to be step daughter who is my everything (yes I know I am very lucky with this one)
Happiness is......having in-laws who are incredibly supportive, whom I like and whom actually like me (I think)
Happiness is......having true, honest and real friendship
Happiness is......having a roof over our heads
Happiness is......having beds to sleep in
Happiness is......having a partner who believes in me
Happiness is......having a partner who likes to hold my hand
Happiness is......having a dog (it may sound lame but she has stood by my side through some very happy and very rough times)
Happiness is......being able to surprise our 5 year old on a regular basis
Happiness is......being able to take care of others
Happiness is......being able to laugh on a regular basis with your partner
Happiness is......despite losing one parent, I still have one who thinks I'm pretty fabulous
Happiness is......the flowers I'm getting to grow in my garden
Happiness is......cuddling
Happiness is......family
Happiness is......love

I realize my list isn't all that profound, it is to me. And I realize when I look at this list I have way more to be happy about than I give myself credit for.  Now please don't get me wrong,  I've been given a healthy dose of perspective, I didn't get a brain transplant.  So as I sit here and write I'm still thinking about the house I found online and am still thinking If only I could get a job or win the lottery.  But in my opinion perspective is progress right?!  So I'm going to chalk today up to progress! 

Friendship and Good People

I've never really taken any of my friendships for granted, but I have to say recently I have been reminded not only how important my friends are, but also how much they really mean to me.  As most of us do, we have all kinds of friends - friends who are close and friends who are far, friends who we talk to every day, friends who are new and friends who are old, friends who drop anything to help you, friends who are TRULY there for you and friends who you haven't talked to in forever but when you see them its like no time has passed.  

Like any kind of relationship, friendships take work.  I can't always say I've been the best kind of friend out there, but I have tied my hardest to be the best friend I could be.   I've had a small group of friends (and they know who they are) whom really showed me the true meaning of friendship.  They have stood by my side and have listened to A LOOOT of nonsense from me while he was sick, when he died and the struggles since.  I'm continuously blown away by their support and can't believe how lucky I am to have them.  Sure, there are some people who have disappeared, and that's ok too because I know being friends with me surely can't be easy these days. 

You know, when you read all these quotes on Pinterest and hear "experts" talk about friendship so many of them say that you need to cut out those people who drag you down - and I constantly think to myself, I think I might be one of those dragger downers these days.  I mean, there are some days where I even annoy myself - how can I not annoy the hell out of my friends.  Yet, they are still there. 

I have friends whom I've known since elementary school, and while I don't speak to them often they still seem to be there.  One who has written me recently who has said they've admired my strength.  Some whom I run into at the grocery store and its like no time at all has passed.  One friend in particular has become a dentist and his kindness, generosity and what I'd hope to be friendship has meant the world to me - I think more than he'll ever know.  He answers my texts on the weekend while I'm in crazy pain and gets me medication right away.  He knows that we are in a very bad financial situation and has fixed my teeth (that are literally crumbling out of my mouth) with NO questions asked.  My teeth situation and financial situation is embarrassing to say the least, and he never makes me feel embarrassed or bad about it.  I mean if I were him I would think "Good God how did you wind up like this?!" or "what the hell is wrong with your teeth?!".  But instead he and his office still treat me with dignity and respect....and give me some really good drugs to get me through :)  I will repay him one day soon that is for sure, but I pray and hope one day I will be able to offer the same kind of generosity, kindness and friendship to him as well. 

I am surely one lucky girl to have such great friends.  And when I reflect on the "why" of the struggles that we are going through, I am constantly reminded of the things I'm learning.  I may have taken my friends for granted in the past, but I've surely been shown to appreciate each and every one of them. They say "you can't choose your family, but you can choose your friends" and I say THANK GOODNESS for that!

Life....as I knew it and where I'm meant to be.

Where to begin....where to start. First let me say, I am not sharing our story for you to feel sorry for me, but instead to get it out there, to move on and maybe to share it with some other people that you are not alone in your struggles - but again, definitely for you not to feel sorry for us. 

My life was turned completely upside down when my dad was diagnosed with terminal cancer.  I went from having a crazy NYC life as a high level TV producer to becoming my father's primary caretaker full time.  After spending almost 3 years caring for him, he unfortunately passed (btw i wouldn't trade that time with him for the world) and I didn't know where I belonged, who to be, where to go and what to do.  Looking back, his passing left me....empty. Where was my funny?  Where was my happy?  Where was my motivation?  Where did my life go?

I've been told that this is "normal", but boy has it been tough to recover from  Now, some say that when people die, we sanctify (i think this is the right word) them.  And to some extent, yes this is true.  At the same time, a passing of a parent whom you've grown to respect, who was always in your corner and whom you've spent every single day trying to save is just devastating.  Grieving surely hasn't been easy and for those closest to me it has taken quite a bit of patience to remain by my side. 

However, with all of that said soon after his passing (and I'm sure much to his delight) I met a great guy with an amazing little girl - both of whom have become the center of my universe.  We are engaged and can not wait to get married, but our life together has been anything but easy.  BUT, if we can make it through the this tumultuous  and very trying time, I am certain we can make it through anything. 

What have we gone through you may ask?  If you ask me, we've been through almost everything.  Some I'll share and some I still have to get up the bravery to share.  

Because I gave up my successful (i guess thats subjective) career to care for my dad, and because CJ can't move to far away from his daughter's mother - I'm here in FL.  I've desperately been trying to get back into the TV game but it hasn't been easy (I've been advised not to use the word 'desperate'....but that is what it is).  I haven't been able to find much other work and it has taken a MAJOR toll on our finances (that and spending everything I had financially on my dad's care).  Believe me, I'd LOVE nothing more than to be a stay at home step-mom / writer and not have to make money, but unfortunately thats not where we are at.

We were living in my dads condo as a family, but then due to family pressure (putting it nicely) we had to move out and sell the condo.  The time was extremely stressful and scary as we could not find another place to rent, and we were in very real danger of not having anywhere to go except our moms houses and live separately.  Thankfully though, one of my dads friends hooked us up with a rental  house (that might not be ideal but its a home for now).  I finally made peace with having to sell the condo and we decided I'd use part of my earnings from the sale for our wedding.  Unfortunately though, the sale of the condo has now fallen through twice and we have no choice but to postpone our wedding - which in itself is devastating.

See what I mean?  Lady Luck has not been on our side.

We've had to borrow way more money than I feel comfortable with.  My mom is not doing well health wise and I want to be there for her, the same way I was for my dad - but of course its been challenging.  My teeth are breaking (literally), we don't have health insurance and many days its a struggle to figure out how we are going to afford to put food on the table.

I am desperately looking forward to when we can actually afford a house and the stability that would provide our family.  Even though we struggle, we are still good people.  Good people who give good to other people.  We deserve a wedding.  We deserve the stability of a home.   We deserve it all - just like everyone else.

To admit all of this is humiliating, but you know what?  Its the truth.  I was always the kind of girl who would always put "out there" that everything was fine, good and I could easily support myself. I was always the kind of girl who said I'd have the perfect 4 bedroom home, with a porch, nice cars and plenty of food on the table. But thats not who I am any more.  I'm not sure I know who I am any more, but the girl who lived in NYC on the Upper West Side and was 'living the life' is no longer - and to be honest, I'm grateful for that.  Because I have not only learned to appreciate that part of my life (Lord knows I didn't when I was living it), but I'm also learning to appreciate the smaller things in life.

If you would have told me 5 years ago this is what my life would look like, I wouldn't believe you.  Its definitely not what I had imagined, but in some ways its better.  I always wanted a love, a partner in life.  And I now have him plus an amazing 5 year old girl. I'm stronger than I ever thought I could be and I'm doing my best to pick myself up by my bootstraps, dig deep for some more strength and move on to work hard for what we deserve!

My mom is always telling me "this is where you are supposed to be right now, and this is what you are supposed to be doing"...its taken me a while, but I'm learning that she is right.  Yup, my mom is right.  I'm learning to appreciate the small things in life and appreciate what we do have, instead of what we don't. 

I'm now on this journey back to "me" and I'm taking you on this scary roller coast ride with me.  Here's to working towards a Happily Ever After!