Where to begin....where to start. First let me say, I am not sharing our story for you to feel sorry for me, but instead to get it out there, to move on and maybe to share it with some other people that you are not alone in your struggles - but again, definitely for you not to feel sorry for us.
My life was turned completely upside down when my dad was diagnosed with terminal cancer. I went from having a crazy NYC life as a high level TV producer to becoming my father's primary caretaker full time. After spending almost 3 years caring for him, he unfortunately passed (btw i wouldn't trade that time with him for the world) and I didn't know where I belonged, who to be, where to go and what to do. Looking back, his passing left me....empty. Where was my funny? Where was my happy? Where was my motivation? Where did my life go?
I've been told that this is "normal", but boy has it been tough to recover from Now, some say that when people die, we sanctify (i think this is the right word) them. And to some extent, yes this is true. At the same time, a passing of a parent whom you've grown to respect, who was always in your corner and whom you've spent every single day trying to save is just devastating. Grieving surely hasn't been easy and for those closest to me it has taken quite a bit of patience to remain by my side.
However, with all of that said soon after his passing (and I'm sure much to his delight) I met a great guy with an amazing little girl - both of whom have become the center of my universe. We are engaged and can not wait to get married, but our life together has been anything but easy. BUT, if we can make it through the this tumultuous and very trying time, I am certain we can make it through anything.
What have we gone through you may ask? If you ask me, we've been through almost everything. Some I'll share and some I still have to get up the bravery to share.
Because I gave up my successful (i guess thats subjective) career to care for my dad, and because CJ can't move to far away from his daughter's mother - I'm here in FL. I've desperately been trying to get back into the TV game but it hasn't been easy (I've been advised not to use the word 'desperate'....but that is what it is). I haven't been able to find much other work and it has taken a MAJOR toll on our finances (that and spending everything I had financially on my dad's care). Believe me, I'd LOVE nothing more than to be a stay at home step-mom / writer and not have to make money, but unfortunately thats not where we are at.
We were living in my dads condo as a family, but then due to family pressure (putting it nicely) we had to move out and sell the condo. The time was extremely stressful and scary as we could not find another place to rent, and we were in very real danger of not having anywhere to go except our moms houses and live separately. Thankfully though, one of my dads friends hooked us up with a rental house (that might not be ideal but its a home for now). I finally made peace with having to sell the condo and we decided I'd use part of my earnings from the sale for our wedding. Unfortunately though, the sale of the condo has now fallen through twice and we have no choice but to postpone our wedding - which in itself is devastating.
See what I mean? Lady Luck has not been on our side.
We've had to borrow way more money than I feel comfortable with. My mom is not doing well health wise and I want to be there for her, the same way I was for my dad - but of course its been challenging. My teeth are breaking (literally), we don't have health insurance and many days its a struggle to figure out how we are going to afford to put food on the table.
I am desperately looking forward to when we can actually afford a house and the stability that would provide our family. Even though we struggle, we are still good people. Good people who give good to other people. We deserve a wedding. We deserve the stability of a home. We deserve it all - just like everyone else.
To admit all of this is humiliating, but you know what? Its the truth. I was always the kind of girl who would always put "out there" that everything was fine, good and I could easily support myself. I was always the kind of girl who said I'd have the perfect 4 bedroom home, with a porch, nice cars and plenty of food on the table. But thats not who I am any more. I'm not sure I know who I am any more, but the girl who lived in NYC on the Upper West Side and was 'living the life' is no longer - and to be honest, I'm grateful for that. Because I have not only learned to appreciate that part of my life (Lord knows I didn't when I was living it), but I'm also learning to appreciate the smaller things in life.
If you would have told me 5 years ago this is what my life would look like, I wouldn't believe you. Its definitely not what I had imagined, but in some ways its better. I always wanted a love, a partner in life. And I now have him plus an amazing 5 year old girl. I'm stronger than I ever thought I could be and I'm doing my best to pick myself up by my bootstraps, dig deep for some more strength and move on to work hard for what we deserve!
My mom is always telling me "this is where you are supposed to be right now, and this is what you are supposed to be doing"...its taken me a while, but I'm learning that she is right. Yup, my mom is right. I'm learning to appreciate the small things in life and appreciate what we do have, instead of what we don't.
I'm now on this journey back to "me" and I'm taking you on this scary roller coast ride with me. Here's to working towards a Happily Ever After!
